Sabotaging Self-Doubt

When you’re working towards a goal, it always starts out really well.

You’re excited, you have energy, you believe you’re going to do it, you can see the finish line and how awesome everything is going to be.

But then. . . a week later, a few days later, maybe even an hour later something happens, the excitement fizzles out and a lot of times, self-doubt takes its place.

And you start thinking thoughts like:

“I’m not capable.”

“I’m behind.”

“I should be better at this by now.”

“I’ve tried this 100 times before and failed-why would this time be any different?”

“I can’t do this.”

These thoughts are normal. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and doomed to fail.

But if we don’t know what’s really going on, we’ll sabotage ourselves and quit before we reach our goal.

In today’s episode I share why self-doubt is normal, why we have it, and  what to do about it so you don’t ever quit on yourself again.

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TRANSCRIPT

This is The Joyful You Podcast, Episode 87, Sabotaging Self-Doubt.

Welcome to The Joyful You Podcast.

On this show, I talk all about the tools you need to build faith in yourself, cultivate a healthy relationship with food, your mind, and your life.

I’m your host, Rachael Collins.

As a certified life coach, it is my mission to show you how to work with your body, manage your mind, process your emotions, improve your relationships, and create supportive habits so you can live well, feel well, and become your strongest, healthiest, happiest, most amazing self, a joyful you.

What’s up?

Welcome to the podcast.

It is officially summer vacation here at the Collins House, and we’re so glad to be done with homework and school assignments for a while and to do those summer things instead.

But the funny thing is, is once August rolls around, we’ll all be ready and excited to do the school things again.

So, you know, each time that there are changes like this, like summer vacation or going back to school in the fall, I tend to use them as kind of like a new year.

I like to think about what changes that I want to make, what goals I want to accomplish, who I want to become, and I kind of make a list just like we all do in the new year.

This summer, I have some mom goals and some business goals, and I also have a strength goal.

I have been working since January on getting stronger and building muscle, and it’s been really cool because not only is it increasing my physical strength, it’s also been increasing my mental strength.

Lifting heavy weights is new to me, and it’s new to my body, and it’s also new to my brain, and my body and my brain are both kind of having a freak out moment.

So I’m having to exercise both of them, and in the process, they are both getting stronger, which is really cool.

But with this goal, and with every goal, there are a lot of days when I don’t feel strong.

I feel defeated.

I either don’t feel like showing up, or I didn’t lift very well the day before, and I felt super weak.

And what happens is I start to sabotage myself, and I start to give up on my goal because of one thing, self-doubt.

And that is what I want to talk about today, sabotaging self-doubt.

It is the number one reason that I see my clients quit, and it is also the number one thing that keeps them stuck.

It keeps them stagnant and not progressing.

The whole reason that we set goals is to progress.

That is one of the reasons that we are here on earth.

It’s to grow.

It’s to progress.

It’s to become.

And when we’re not working towards something, we are just stagnant, and stagnant feels awful.

We struggle in the stagnant.

We feel a disconnect.

And I think the reason we feel this disconnect is because our spirit knows that we want to progress, and we want to grow, and we want to be working towards things.

We want to change.

So our spirit is saying, Let’s go!

Let’s go!

We got this!

Let’s go!

But our human brain is saying, No thanks.

We’re good.

And so this disconnect just leaves us feeling empty.

It can leave us feeling frustrated and resentful, even some shame, some jealousy.

It sucks a lot of the joy right out of our life.

So working towards some kind of a goal, any goal, it could be anything, is a big part of becoming a joyful you.

Because we are here to grow and to progress, staying stagnant for too long feels really yucky.

And you’ll start to notice that you yearn for change, you yearn for growth.

And when we do this, we of course, we set a goal.

We’re not content where we are anymore.

We want something better.

We want that growth.

And this feels really good.

Whenever we set a new goal, it feels so exciting.

And we jump in with both feet, and we just plow through and we get started on our journey.

We’re so excited to go.

And we all know how this ends up.

We all know how it goes.

It always starts out really well.

We’re excited.

We have lots of energy.

We believe that we’re going to do this great thing.

We can see the finish line and how awesome everything is going to be when we get there.

We are so gung-ho.

We are all in.

But then, a week later, a few days later, sometimes even an hour later, something happens, and the excitement fizzles out.

And a lot of times, self-doubt comes right on in and takes its place.

I had a mentor who called this place the River of Misery.

She said, we start out in a stagnant yucky pond.

We are uncomfortable there, and we want out.

So we set a goal, and we jump into the river, and we start swimming upstream to a better place.

But swimming is hard, and it’s uncomfortable.

And we begin to doubt our ability to keep on swimming.

That reminds me of Finding Nemo.

Dory, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

That’s what we want to do.

But our self-doubt is like, nope, we should not just keep swimming.

We definitely should not just keep swimming.

And here’s what I want you to know.

This self-doubt is 100% normal.

Every single person who sets out to accomplish something has self-doubt.

Every single person.

They don’t feel good enough, capable enough, strong enough, smart enough, all of the enough.

We all lose our confidence.

We all lose faith in ourselves.

This is normal.

It is completely normal.

In fact, I remember hearing Oprah Winfrey talking about how after every show, her self-doubt creeps in.

And she questions whether she’s good enough and whether she did a good job interviewing or not.

Oprah Winfrey, the billionaire, Oprah Winfrey.

So self-doubt is a normal part of being human.

And we all have our primitive brain to think for that, because our primitive brain’s main job is to keep us safe and keep us alive.

And it does this by helping us do three things.

It wants us to avoid pain, wants us to seek pleasure, and it wants us to conserve energy by running on autopilot.

And working towards a goal does the opposite of these things.

Achieving a goal takes change.

And change is uncomfortable.

And it uses a lot of brain energy.

And it definitely isn’t always pleasurable.

So the safety mechanisms in our primitive brain are going off.

I like to think of it as a fire alarm.

It’s blaring.

It’s extremely loud.

It’s giving us this warning signal.

Danger, danger, danger.

Stop what you’re doing.

This is bad.

You will die if you keep this up.

Right?

The fire alarm in our brain is sending out all of these thoughts which are creating all of these feelings.

All of those.

I’m not capable.

I can’t do this.

This is too hard.

I’m not as far along as I should be.

This isn’t working.

I should just stop and scroll social media.

Or even I should just not do this and do laundry instead.

That’s what my brain tells me.

When it’s time to do my workout, my brain is like, oh, but actually we’ve got a lot to do today.

We need to fold this laundry.

Or maybe we should just mop the floor instead.

Like, things that I do not like doing.

That’s what my brain tells me.

A lot of times our brain tells us, we should probably just sit and eat this bag of M&Ms.

And then we’ll feel better.

Right?

So with all of these thoughts come all of these feelings.

We feel the fear.

We feel the doubt, the frustration.

We feel defeated.

We feel deflated.

We feel discouraged, uncapable.

All of those uncomfortable, not good enough feelings.

And from those feelings, it’s really, really hard to continue to take action.

And our primitive brain knows this.

So our primitive brain uses any thoughts, all of these thoughts, hoping that we will quit.

And this is just because our primitive brain thinks that we’re in danger and it’s just trying to keep us safe.

One of its favorite things to do is to bring up our past failures.

It tells us, you’ve tried this a thousand times before and failed.

You’re not going to be able to do it this time either.

Or it also likes to have us compare where we are to where we were in the past, or where we are to where others are who have already accomplished what we’re trying to accomplish.

And it tells us things like, see, everyone can do this, but you can’t, and that’s because you’re not special like them.

Our primitive brain is also really good at shoulding us.

You should have already accomplished this by now, or you should already be doing X, Y, Z by now, and you’re not.

Sound familiar?

That’s the primitive brain.

So I hope you see that it’s not you.

It’s not you.

It’s not because you are not capable.

It’s not because you lack willpower.

It’s not because you’re not smart enough or good enough.

All those enoughs again.

It’s just your primitive brain.

And I think just knowing this is so helpful, because then when we fill the self-doubt, we’re able to be like, oh, I get it.

This is just my primitive brain trying to protect me.

And the thing about our primitive brain is it’s loud.

And when we try to just ignore it and go on doing what we’re wanting to do, it screams even louder.

It wants our attention.

It’s like, you know, when you’re on the phone talking to somebody and your kid needs something, and you’re like, no, no, no, not right now.

Mom’s on the phone.

And what do the kids do?

They just get louder.

They get more persistent.

Mom, mom.

That’s our primitive brain.

It just will keep getting louder and louder and more persistent.

So the first step to getting through the self-doubt without sabotaging is to one, know that it’s completely normal.

We all are experiencing self-doubt.

It’s not just you.

And then two, is to recognize the thoughts that are coming from our primitive brain and acknowledge them.

So what does this look like?

I think the best way to acknowledge what our primitive brain is trying to tell us is to write down the thoughts that we’re having.

I use a cheap spiral bound notebook for this purpose, but you could also just use a scrap piece of paper or the back of a piece of junk mail.

And what you want to do is you just are going to write down all of those self-doubt thoughts, all of those fear thoughts that you are having.

And some people are like, yeah, but if I do that, then my brain sees them, and I believe them, and it gives them more power, and that’s what I’m manifesting in my life.

But that’s not the case at all.

It does not give these thoughts more power.

It actually diffuses them, and it gives us more power.

We are essentially saying to our primitive brain, I hear you.

Yes, I’m acknowledging that I’m afraid and that I am having some serious doubts, but we’re doing it anyway.

That’s what we’re doing when we are writing them all down so that we can see what’s going on in our brain.

We’re just clearing it all out.

It gets quieter.

And then from there, we’re able to just do it anyway.

Now, there is some really good news.

And that good news is that we have another part of our brain.

This is the higher, wiser human brain.

This is the part of the brain that set that goal in the first place.

This is the part of our brain that knows we are capable and that we can accomplish this thing.

It also knows that we are safe.

We’re not going to die.

And that going for this goal is actually a really good thing.

we are progressing and growing and becoming.

And this is the part of the brain that is there cheering us on.

The problem is, a lot of times we can’t hear it.

Because our primitive brain, that fire alarm, is so dang loud.

So, the last step in this, step number three, is to intentionally focus on this part of the brain, this higher, wiser, human brain.

So, once we’ve acknowledged all that our primitive brain wants to tell us, all that it wants to say, we tap into our higher brain.

And we let our higher brain inspire us and motivate us.

So, this looks like remembering why you wanted to achieve this goal in the first place.

Maybe it’s making a list of all of the things that you are doing well with, and all the things that you are good at.

Because remember, the primitive brain is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you suck.

You’re not special.

You’re not good at this.

You’re doing this wrong.

But our human brain, our higher human brain, wants us to see that we are good, that we are capable.

So, we need to focus on this.

Recall all the times when you did succeed in the past.

Because remember, our primitive brain wants to bring up our past and all of our fails.

But there are lots of times when we’ve succeeded.

There are lots of times that we’ve accomplished things in the past.

So, use your human brain and make a list of all of those things.

Make a list of all the times that you kept your commitment to yourself.

It could be just something as simple as, I made my bed this morning.

I showered this morning.

I ate breakfast this morning.

I brushed my teeth today.

Those are all wins.

Those will take the focus from all of your losses and your failures and will put them on your wins, which then motivates you and inspires you.

Also, use this part of your brain to remind yourself that it’s okay to be struggling.

The struggle is actually good.

There is power in the struggle.

So, just like for me, wanting to get stronger and build muscle, there has to be heart.

It has to be heart.

If I’m just simply lifting little 3 pound weights, it’s really not doing anything.

There has to be some struggle there in order to get stronger.

It’s in this struggle, the swimming upstream in the river of misery, that makes it all worth it.

We go through the uncomfortable, and when we get to the other side, that struggle makes us appreciate the accomplishment a lot more.

It makes it feel way more rewarding than if someone just handed it to us.

So, remember, the struggle is okay.

There is power in the struggle.

There is power and reward in the struggle.

And here’s another thing.

We are going to be uncomfortable anyway.

Either way we go, if we go back to the yucky pond, if we go back to our stinky starting place, where we were uncomfortable, we’re still going to be uncomfortable there, and we’re usually going to be unhappy.

But we’re also going to be uncomfortable swimming through the river of self-doubt and misery and change.

But when we’re doing this, we know that eventually we’re going to be getting stronger, and if we keep going, we’re going to reach our goal.

And this kind of uncomfortableness, this kind of misery, actually feels way different than the uncomfortableness and the misery of just staying stagnant.

So really be aware of what is going on.

Why the self-doubt is there.

Be aware of why it is that we want to give up.

Why we just want to numb out when the going gets tough with a bag of chips.

Or even a household chore.

Instead of just doing the thing that we committed to be doing.

Remember, it’s not you.

It’s your primitive brain.

So, let’s recall what the three steps are that are going to help us prevent sabotaging self-doubt.

Number one is to know that it is normal to feel this way.

It’s completely normal to feel doubtful, to have fear.

It’s just your primitive brain attempting to keep you safe and to keep you alive.

Nothing has gone wrong.

Especially not you.

The second step is you want to recognize all of the thoughts that are coming from your primitive brain and just acknowledge them.

This can also be feeling.

So, maybe you just don’t know the thoughts that you’re having, but you know that you’re feeling a lot of fear.

You’re feeling a lot of self-doubt.

Write all of that down.

Writing all these things down is extremely helpful because it’s just clearing everything out of your brain.

And your primitive brain feels like it’s been acknowledged.

You’ve received the warning.

It’s done its job.

And now it can be quiet.

And then the third step is to intentionally tap into your higher brain and let it inspire you and cheer you on.

Use it to remind you of your why, why you wanted to achieve this goal in the first place.

Use it to let it remind you of the importance of keeping your promises and your commitments to yourself.

Use it to let it motivate you to keep on going.

So those are the three steps.

I just want to leave you with a reminder one more time that yes, working towards a goal is going to be uncomfortable.

It just is.

There isn’t one single person who has set out to achieve something great and didn’t have doubts and didn’t have fears.

You are going to be uncomfortable not working towards this goal and just staying stagnant and unhappy, or you’re going to be uncomfortable going for it and growing.

You get to choose your discomfort.

Now, one of the reasons that I love coaching so much is because sometimes we just need a little push.

We need another cheerleader in our corner.

Someone who can help us distinguish the messages that our tricky perimeter brain is sending us.

So if you’re feeling like a failure, if you are feeling like you will never be able to do it, if you are feeling so much self-doubt and fear coming in, schedule a breakthrough call with me.

Do it right now.

Don’t let self-doubt sabotage you anymore.

You deserve to feel better.

You deserve to achieve the goal that you want to achieve.

And that’s exactly what will happen as we break through what is going on for you on this call.

You’re going to hang up with me feeling inspired and ready to take on the world again.

That is my guarantee to you.

All right.

I hope that I hear from you soon, and I will definitely see you next time.

Thank you for listening to The Joyful You Podcast.

If you’d like additional support, click the link in the show notes, and let’s chat about how we can work together to get you to your goal.

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If you want to hang out on social media, you can find me on Instagram at A Joyful You or on my website, ajoyfulyou.com.

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