The Comparison Trap

Today I want to talk about the comparison trap. I know I’ve been stuck in it a lot of times.

Wishing I looked like so and so, or I had kids that acted like so and so’s. Or I had as much money as so and so or my Instagram feed was as cool as so and so’s

I know it’s not a competition. You probably do too, so why do we compare?

The reason we do is is because our mind loves comparison. It LOVES IT!

It loves to look out for trouble because it was designed to do just that.

Way back when, our ancestors needed to look out for dangers: snakes, tigers, getting too cold, being left out of the tribe – anything that might kill the human species.

We have inherited this trait. Our brains today cannot tell the difference between a physical danger, like a snake, and an emotional danger, like feeling left out because everyone seems to be at Disneyland instead of us.

BTW, I did a poll on social media asking which was better Disney land or Disney World. Disneyland won- so just in case you were wondering , there you go!

This system in our brain is necessary and it’s good. We wouldn’t want to get rid of it because then if we really were in danger, we’d more than likely die.

But we do need to learn how to manage it when it’s not a physical life or death danger but an emotional “danger”.

When we notice our brain comparing our unshowered bed-headed self to the mom who seems to have it all together at the carpool drop off, we can recognize this is just our brain trying to keep us safe, and we can tell our brain to relax.

Maybe the trap we’re in is comparing ourself to ourself.

Of course, the brain is going to notice all our faults.

It’s going to notice the one time we yell at our kid instead of all the others times we are kind and patient.

It’s going to hyperfocus on that one time the neighbors all got together for lunch and didn’t invite you instead of all the times you were invited.

It’s all okay. This is the way the brain was designed.

Here’s the good news!

The brain will focus on what we tell it to focus on! This is called confirmation bias.

I bet you’ve used this mechanism before.

For example, when my husband and I decided we wanted to move, we started noticing houses for sale everywhere! This is because the brain now had an assignment to look for houses for sale where before it wasn’t focused on that.

I noticed this too when we bought a new car, suddenly I was seeing that same exact car everywhere! Confirmation bias. Our brain focuses on what we tell it to focus on.

So let’s use this to our advantage!

What if we told the brain to start focusing on all the extraordinary things we do everyday?

What if we told our brain to start noticing all the amazing things about ourselves and our lives?

I like the idea of making a list every day of all the things we did do or all the things we did accomplish or the things we’re proud of each day. This would really help the brain to know we’re serious about this.

When we start recognizing and seeing the good in us, that we are enough, that we are actually living a pretty extraordinary life, we stop worrying that we might be in danger, our brain settles down, and we’re 1000 times happier!

One more thing I want to mention. I spoke to a group of women last week, and since we celebrated International Women’s Day this week, I want to share this idea with you too.

Women need women

We are all valuable!

I have talked before about the $100 bill and no matter how dirty or torn or crumpled up it is, it is still worth $100. It never loses its value. It can’t!

Just like a $100 bill, you cannot lose your worth or value either.

And guess what? When it comes to humans, we all have the same value.

We are all $100 bills! No matter what happens to you, what you do, what you don’t do, you cannot increase nor decrease your value. You just can’t! It’s impossible.

When we’re comparing ourselves to others and beat ourselves up because we think so and so is better or has it better, it’s simply not true. We are all equal.

Glennon Doyle came out with this amazing analogy. I shared it with these women I spoke to and I want to share it with you too.

She starts of telling us how carpenters know that when it comes to building the structure is the joist.

A joist is a strong beam that supports a greater structure.

Sometimes under a heavy load, the joist starts to weaken.

When this happens, the carpenter attaches another board to the left of the joist. If that doesn’t strengthen it enough, the carpenter will add another board to the right.

With this extra support, the joist is strong enough to handle anything!

This is the part I love the most – Guess what this process of strengthening the joist is called?

It’s called SISTERING!

What if instead of comparing and making it into a competition, very woman for herself, we looked for a weak sister and we stood beside her on her left or on her right to strengthen and steady her. SISTERING

Glennon goes on to say her favorite part of a sister joist is that you don’t have to say the right thing- you just have to stand there and be strong.

I love this so much!

If you have insecurities, or life gets heavy, don’t try to strengthen yourself up by comparing, that’ll just make you weaker. Go stand beside someone! Or find someone to stand beside you.

Let’s lift each. Other up.

SISTERING. It works every time.

 

p.s.- Have you taken my FREE Emotional Eating Course yet? Click HERE to get it!

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