The email that started it all!

Near the end of June 2018 I received an newsletter-type email from a woman I subscribe too. In her email she asked a profound question:

“If you were to remove other people from the equation would you still want to lose weight?”

Wow! This came at a time when I was really beginning to question dieting and restricting. I spent weeks thinking about her question.

The first thing I did was I imagined what it would be like if the entire human race was blind including myself. I couldn’t see what other people looked like, and they couldn’t see what I looked like. If this were the case, would we, I in particular, still want to lose weight?

Then I thought about the stigma our culture has that skinny equals worthy, beautiful, talented, etc. and how in other countries their culture is just the opposite, the larger the woman, the better –why oh why can’t I live in one of these countries? Then I imagined what it would be like if all of these stigmas suddenly vanished, and we were left with a neutral attitude toward weight and beauty. That a body was just a body, big or thin, it made no difference.

What would I want then?

What would you want? Would weight loss matter to you anymore?

Then I asked myself “Hey Baby Girl, What is it you’re really hoping weighing X amount of pounds will do for you?”

And then I answered myself, and Guess what, I didn’t like my answer -not one teensy tiny bit.

I knew that deep-down I was still looking for that magical sweet spot. You know the place where everything is wonderful -you’re good, your kids and spouse are good, and life is all unicorns and rainbows. The spot where I FEEL (felt being the keyword) loved and appreciated and validated. The place where I FEEL happy all the time, accomplished, and valuable to society. The place where I have freedom to eat whatever I darn well please and it has no effect on me. Yes, I had told myself that I was over all that. And the truth is, I have come a long ways from where I used to be, but obviously I still have a ways to go when it comes to fully accepting myself, and this was proof.

I knew things needed to change. I also knew these changes were going to be scary.

Now it was time to figure out What do I really want?

I knew I wanted freedom from thinking about food all the dang time! I want to stop feeling like a prisoner in my own kitchen, being tortured by what I really want to eat verses what my current diet was allowing. I want to fully live my life; and that includes being able to eat a piece of cake at a party or enjoying freshly baked chocolate chip cookies with my kids after school. I knew that not only did I want peace around food, I wanted to FEEL at peace in my and with my body. I wanted to finally start being okay with the person God created me to be instead of always wishing I was different. And most of all I knew I didn’t want to be remembered as a mom who was always obsessing over herself, and watching what she ate. I would be sad if any of my children had any of these habits, beliefs, or disordered behaviors. If it’s not okay for them, it’s not okay for me.

And so slowly I began to change. One step at a time.