The Manual
Most of us have these huge, thick, extra long manuals we’ve written for other people. A Manual is basically a book of instructions or rules we think other people should follow. For example, in my “Manual” for my next door neighbor, it states that they should not be allowed to have any annoying, yappy, biting dogs. A lot of LDS moms have manuals for their children that state that they should grow up, graduate from high school, serve an honorable mission, graduate from college, marry in the temple to a spouse who gets along perfectly with the family, and go on to raise perfect children who do the same.
We tend to tie all of our successes and our emotional life to whether or not the people in our life follow the manual we have for them. We have these beliefs that if other people would just behave the way we want them to, then we could be happy. Having these expectations of other people is just another method of control, and most of us don’t even realize we’re doing this. We think we’re entitled to these manuals because we are their mother, spouse, daughter, boss, etc.
Who are we to say how someone should or should not act? We cannot control another person. God has given each of us the gift of agency. He lets us choose for ourselves. Even though He could, He doesn’t try to control us. So, why do we try to control others? We are responsible for our self and only our self, and no one can make you happy but yourself. The same is true for all feelings. For example, annoyance. No one can annoy you unless you allow yourself to feel annoyed.
So, we have these manuals for people, and when they don’t follow them, we make it mean something negative like, I’m a bad mom, I’m not loved, No one cares, I have the worst life, husband, child, mother-in-law ever!, etc. We feel bad. I wrote about how crazy I acted trying to get my loved one to behave the way I wanted him to behave, and how well that turned out HERE. Looking back, I realize that the only reason I wanted him to change was because I thought it would make me feel better. The fact of the matter is, he doesn’t have the power to do that. The only person who can make me feel better is me. I only have control over myself, my mind, my choices, how I choose to react, what I choose to believe, and how I choose to feel.
I’m not saying we can’t make requests of others. We totally can. If you want your husband to take out the garbage you can totally ask him. You can make all the requests you want. But don’t tie your happiness to whether or not they comply. Take the responsibility for how you feel. Trying to change someone into what you want them to be so you can feel better about yourself and your life will only turn you into a miserable crazy person, and only sets you up for frustration. (Trust me, I know!) Your happiness comes from you not from if your husband takes the garbage out.
When we burn the manuals we have for others, we will find we’re more loving. We don’t get angry or annoyed with people for not comply with what we want, or behaving how we think they should behave. Our relationships with others improve because once we let all the expectations go, all the contention leaves as well. We love them for who they are, not for what they do, or for being who we think they need to be. We are letting them have their own perspective, their own agency, just like Heavenly Father does for us.
You do not have to go around trying to manipulate others into changing in order to feel better. You can feel better on your own. Let go of the entitlement. Be willing to let go of the manuals you have and instead focus all that energy and time on making yourself the best it can be.
