Shame
I had a shame attack this weekend and I want to share it with you.
Being totally transparent, I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I would share this.
See, I have a hard time with feeling vulnerable and embarrassed.
I’m working with my own coach on being more okay with those feeling these emotions.
Working with a coach is like this:
As the client, I’m is stuck inside a glass jar. I’m trying to read the label, but it’s fuzzy and it’s really hard to read.
But my coach is outside of the jar and she can clearly read the label and tell me what it says.
This is the power of coaching.
I’ll learning to be okay with admitting that I’m a work in progress and probably always will be.
ONTO MY SHAME ATTACK. . .
This past weekend was a big weekend for our family.
Our oldest daughter got engaged on Saturday. Which is very exciting. We’re so happy.
My husband also happened to be out of town on a guy’s trip this past weekend.
Now here’s where the shame part comes in:
I had come up with what I thought was a really creative way to share with my little brother that his niece was engaged.
I sent him a text that said:
“Excited to announce you’re gaining another nephew!”
He interpreted exactly how I thought he would, and replied back,
“Wait, what?”
I laughed because I totally got him!
And then I told him about the engagement.
Thinking myself clever, I took a screenshot of our conversation and sent it to my husband.
He responded back with one sentence:
“That’s a funny way to let him know”
As soon as I read it immediately my cheeks got red and hot, I started sweating, and my heart felt like it was sitting in the pit of my stomach.
I was feeling shame.
I had interpreted his reply as a chastisement.
My thoughts were something along the lines of: “He’s right. That was dumb, I shouldn’t have done that.”
And I felt shame – immense shame.
Then I started spiraling.
Beating myself up, thinking of all the ways I’m not enough, thinking about how immature and stupid I am, how I should have known better, why did I do that?
I went on and on and on.
All this shame spiraling just created more evidence for things I shouldn’t have done or shouldn’t be.
I felt even more shame and the cycle continued.
Around and around, I went.
Emotions are caused by our thoughts.
And I had a lot of thoughts that caused shame: What is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have done that. All the shameful thoughts.
It wasn’t what my husband said, it wasn’t even what I did. None of that was the reason I felt shame.
The reason I felt shame was only because of the sentences in my brain!
One of my favorite definitions for shame is from fellow life coach Kim Giles who says shame is an acronym for “Should Have Already Mastered Everything.”
And that’s totally how I felt – I should have this down by now.
It also wasn’t just that I’ve done something wrong, but that there’s something totally wrong and flawed with me.
This is how shame usually shows up:
Something is wrong with me,
I’ll never be able to do this,
I should have figured this out by now,
I shouldn’t still be doing this,
I should be here by now, lots of thoughts,
A lot of beating ourselves up.
I know that shame is part of the human experience.
I know it’s just a natural knee-jerk reaction from the primitive brain trying to keep me safe.
Our primitive brain is always on the lookout for danger – and a lot of times it perceives things as a threat that aren’t really threatening. (For instance, the text from my husband.)
Being a coach and being aware that I was feeling shame, I found myself trying to coach myself out of it.
I started trying to positive think my way out of the shame.
“It’s okay. Everyone feels this way sometimes. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way. It’s no big deal.”
But what I was really doing was trying to make myself feel better, so I didn’t have to feel the shame.
I was resisting it.
When we resist an emotion, we close off to it and we trap it inside. Trapped inside it tends to grow stronger and bigger.
I realized this was the case for me, because those thoughts just weren’t resonating for me yet.
I knew I needed to sit and process the shame.
This all happened right as I was getting myself and my two girls ready for church.
So while, I continued getting ready, I sat with and processed and let myself really feel shame.
HOW TO PROCESS SHAME
The way I like to do this is to welcome it. I even called it by name – Hello Shame!
Then I turned my attention inside, to what it physically feels like in my body, because all emotions are a chemical vibrating through the body.
So I went inside my body and I found where I felt this vibration. And I paid attention to what it felt like and what it was doing inside my body.
For me shame was heavy in my chest.
I felt it in my gut, like a rock just sitting there.
I noticed my cheeks also felt were hot.
Now remember, I was still getting ready for church while I was doing this. So, it’s totally possible to feel shame while doing other things.
By allowing the emotion, and opening up to it and feeling it, I allowed it to metabolize through my body and move on.
Another thing I like to do when I feel shame is to share it with someone.
Brene Brown, teaches that shame lives in the dark and hiding.
So, I will talk to my husband, my coach, or a friend about the experience.
Bringing it out of hiding really helps me.
Scavenger Hunt for the Brain
The last thing I want to mention that happens when I have a shame attack is my brain goes on a scavenger hunt.
It starts collecting tons of evidence from my past of reasons why I’m not enough.
All the times I messed up.
My brain is really good at finding tons of things.
The problem with living in my past is that it keeps me stuck in my past and who I used to be instead of helping me become who I want to be.
So I admit, yeah I screwed up, but who do I want to be now?
Because chances are high I’ll likely feel shame again along my journey to becoming,
And when I can allow it and be okay with it, knowing that it’s part of the human experience, instead of using it to beat myself up and hide, which serves no one, then I can use it as a learning tool to grow and progress and become.
